Know Your Stars
by Slo Motion
Summary: Did you ever watch All That’s “Know Your Stars” segment? The one with the voice annoying people? What if it was done with the 7th Heaven characters? FINALLY REPOSTED
1. Eric Camden

**Title: **"Know Your Stars"

**Date Penned: **7.24.05 / **Edited:** 5.11.08

**Main Character(s): **Everyone

**Author: **Slo Motion (a.k.a Alexa)

**Rating: **T/PG-13; mainly for language

**Genre: **Humor, parody

**Main POV:** No one

**Character Death: **Nada

**Coupling: **None

**Songs Used: **Not sure

**Setting: **No setting really.

**Disclaimer: **7th Heaven is not mine to own, and nor is the "Know Your Stars" concept from All That.

**Summary: **Did you ever watch All That's "Know Your Stars" segment? The one with the voice annoying people? What if it was done with the 7th Heaven characters?

**A/N: **Ok so I'm finally going back and redoing parts of this story I don't like. I've been promising to put it back up for like 3 years now and I'm finally getting to it.

**Chapter 1: Eric Camden**

There was a dark stage. Light filled it and Reverend Eric Camden could be seen wandering around, looking confused.

Eric sighed, "Next time, Chandler can go out and get our lunch!"

A voice stared talking, "Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

Eric jumped, "Who's there?! Chandler?! Is that you!? I'm going to kill you for staying at the church to "call Roxanne", my sanity is more important than your girlfriend!!"

"Eric Camden…he worships monkeys!!"

"Who said that?! I hate monkeys!!"

Eric got no reply.

"WHO ARE YOU!?"

"I will never reveal my identity!"

"Ok, whatever. Well, how did I get here? Last time I checked, I was going to Wendy's to get Chandler and me some lunch."

"Well tooooooo bad Mr. Man, you're here now, SO LET ME GO ON!!"

"You're rude."

"Eric Camden…he thinks silk ties are sexy!!"

"Darn!! I thought that was a secret!!"

"Ok, so anyway, moving on. Eric Camden, is having a secret affair with Chandler!!"

"That's just gross!! Chandler's a guy, I'm a guy…"

"You are??"

"Ok, ignoring you…but that's disgusting!! I'm a minister and so is Chandler!! Besides, I'm married to The Bitch…err, I mean Annie, and Chandler is dating Roxanne!!"

"Eric Camden…wants to grow an afro!!"

"No I don't!! Afros are ugly!! I shaved mine off in 1980 and got a Mohawk…now THOSE are sexy!! I had to beat the ladies off with a stick!!"

"Eric Camden…is too sexy for his shirt!!"

"You got that right, Voice!!"

Eric took off his shirt and tie and started dancing around. He started singing the Right Said Fred song "I'm Too Sexy".

"I'm too sexy for my love/Too sexy for my love/Love's going to leave me…"

"DON'T SING THAT!!"

"Ok, I'll sing another song…Ooohh, you touch my tralala / Mmmmm, my ding ding dong!"

"You have gone nuts!! YOU ARE SINGING THE CREEPY DING DONG SONG YOU NUTCASE!!"

"You tease me / Oh please me / I want you to be my love toy!"

"I give up!!"

The Voice went to whack its head into a wall as Eric started singing another really random song.

"Oh baby can't you see / That everything you do / Everything that you do / Makes me wanna go ooh ooh ooh ah oh!"

"AAAHHHH!! STOP IT!!"

The Voice slammed its head hard into the wall as Eric disco danced topless while singing.

**Songs Used In Chapter (In Order): **"I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred; "Ding Dong Song (You Touch My Tra La La)" by Phill & Company / Gunther & The Sunshine Girls; "Everything You Do" by M2M are all not mine.


	2. Annie Camden

**Chapter 2: Annie Camden**

Annie was walking by. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Eric disco dancing topless. He was now singing "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney.

"She thinks my tractor's sexy/It really turns her on… "

"ERIC CAMDEN!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Some big security guards escorted Eric off of the stage. The lights dimmed again. Annie looked confused.

"What the…!?"

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who said that??"

"Annie Camden…is a complete bitch."

"NO I AM NOT!!"

"Then why does all of Glen Oak hate seeing you??"

"What are you talking about…everyone in Glen Oak loves me!!"

"Sure they do. Anyway, Annie Camden…was once a porn star."

"I was most certainly not!! That is an inappropriate comment, go to your room!!"

"You're not my mother!! You can't boss me around!! Nananana…"

"You're so grounded…"

"Annie Camden…is not my mother."

"I may not be, but I am still an adult and I have power over you!! HAHAHA!!"

"Annie Camden…does not realize than I am a grown man!!"

"Wait…I thought it was just puberty that deepened your voice??"

"NOPE!!"

"You mean…I was wrong?"

"Yes, Annie, hehehe…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Annie curled up into a little ball on the floor and sucked her thumb. The security guards that had moved Eric came and moved Annie off of the stage, probably taking her to wherever they took Eric.

"Know you know Annie Camden."

**Songs Used In Chapter (In Order):** "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" by Kenny Chesney is not mine.


	3. Mary Camden Rivera

**Chapter 3: Mary Camden-Rivera**

Mary saw Annie being carried off of the stage by the security guards. Annie looked like she was about to go mental.

Mary wondered what had caused her mother to be acting like this. She started walking onto the stage.

"Mary!!" She heard Annie cry, "Don't go!! It will get you!!"

"It will get me? What is Mom talking about?" Mary wondered out loud.

Suddenly the lights dimmed, leaving Mary in the dark.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who's in here?!"

"Mary Camden…her breath smells like an old shoe."

"Excuse me, but that's not true! I brush my teeth four times a day!!"

"Mary Camden…is a complete dental health freak."

"No I'm not! I just like to have clean teeth!"

"Sure you do, Miss Dental Health Freak!"

"You're annoying me and I don't even know who you are!!"

"Mary Camden…has no idea who I am!"

"Hey!! You can't hold that against me!! It's dark in here and I can't see you!!"

"Mary Camden…she needs glasses."

"No I don't!! God, do you ever shut up?!"

"Nope!! Anyway, Mary Camden…she married an ugly homeless guy to tick off her parents."

"I happen to have been in love with Carlos when we got married!!"

"Are you sure about that??"

"Well, not…"

"Mary Camden…she flunked kindergarten."

"No I didn't!! I got straight "E's"!!" (A/N: "E's" mean "Excellent".)

"Mary Camden…she brags about her good grades."

"Well you said I failed kindergarten when it's not true!! I was stating the truth, not bragging!!"

"Sure, shoe breath dental health freak kindergarten failing person!!"

"That was the worst insult I've ever heard!!"

"Mary Camden…is a disappointment."

"No I'm not!! My family loves me, you creep!!"

"Mary Camden…she sucks at basketball."

"Ok, everyone knows that's not true! I made the varsity team when I was 14 and almost became a pro!!"

"Mary Camden…she is really ugly."

"Ok, so I'm not a supermodel or anything but I don't think I'm ugly!!"

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Now you know Mary Camden!!"

"No, no one knows anything about me!! My breath smells fine, I'm not obsessed with dental hygiene, I got good grades in school, and I'm good at basketball! You lied!!"

"Bye now!!"

"Wait, I want to know who you are and what's your deal!!"

But The Voice left Mary alone in the dark.

"Where are you going?!"

Mary screamed for The Voice to come back a few more times, but finally gave up. Angrily, she stomped off of the stage.

"Jerk ass Voice guy," She mumbled as she passed Matt up.


	4. Matt Camden

**Chapter 4: Matt Camden**

Matt looked at Mary as she stomped past him. _What's her problem?_ He wondered.

Matt walked onto the stage. It was still dark from when Mary was being bugged by The Voice.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who said that?"

"Matt Camden…he has long girly hair."

"No!! That was seasons ago!! I've cut it since then!!"

"Matt Camden…he got a divorce."

"No I didn't!! Sarah and I worked it out and got back together, you moron!! Don't you ever watch TV?!"

"Matt Camden…he thinks my tractor's sexy."

"I don't even wanna know…"

"You're the one who thinks tractors are sexy!!"

"Who are you?!"

"That's for me to know and for you to never find out!! MWHAHAHA!!"

"You are strange, whoever you are."

"Matt Camden…he plays with Barbie Dolls."

"That's not true!! I hate dolls!!"

"You're a Barbie Girl/In a Barbie World…"

"I hate that song!!"

"Matt Camden…his favorite song is song is "Barbie Girl"."

"I just said I hated that song, stupid!!"

"Matt Camden…he's in love with Kevin Kinkirk!!"

Lucy showed up out of nowhere, "You'd better not be!! Kevin is mine!! MINE MINE MINE!! THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO ROXANNE!!"

"Shut the hell up Lucy!! I'm in love with Chandler, you bitch!! I don't even think Kevin is that cute!!" Roxanne's voice echoed offstage.

Lucy ran back to where Roxanne could be heard, "You take that back you stupid sex kitten!! MY KEVY WEVY IS TOO CUTE!!"

"Fine, Lucy, I think he's cute. In fact, I think I might just go and dump Chandler to be with Kevin because he's so cute," Roxanne replied sarcastically.

"YOU SLUT!! KEVIN IS MY MAN, KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF OF HIM!!" Lucy shouted.

The sounds of a catfight and Lucy being creamed by Roxanne could then be heard.

"Ok, that was weird. Anyway, whoever you are, I'm not in love with Kevin. I'm straight and married to a woman I love, thank you very much. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get some lunch."

Matt left the stage.

"Now you know Matt Camden."

The Voice waited for Matt to come back and scream at him, but Matt too was busy pigging out on a sub sandwich.

"Oh well, someone new will come along any minute now and I'll bug them."

**Songs Used In This Chapter (In Order): **"Barbie Girl" by Aqua is not mine (and neither are Barbie dolls in general).


	5. Lucy Camden Kinkirk

**Chapter 5: Lucy Camden-Kinkirk**

Lucy Kinkirk walked out onto the stage. She was still slightly dizzy from when Roxanne had punched her in the head.

"Alright, who said that someone was in love with my Kevin?! HE'S MINE!! YOU HEAR ROXANNE, MINE!!"

"Shut up, Lucy! No one cares about what you say, remember?!" Roxanne said as she joined Matt to eat.

"Aaaahhh, you're right!! I'm left out of everything!! It's like I live in some black hole in the universe or something!!'

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who's in here??"

"Lucy Kinkirk…she is very selfish."

"I am not selfish!! I just don't want anybody to talk to my Kevin!! That's not selfish, is it?!"

"Lucy Kinkirk…she won't let her husband have a social life."

"Yes I will!! Just not with people, but a wall, maybe…unless the wall's a slut…"

"Lucy Kinkirk…she thinks walls are sluts."

"Not I don't!! Just the ones that hit on Kevin…"

"Genius, walls can't even talk let alone hit on anyone."

"You never know!!"

"Lucy Kinkirk…is left out of everything."

"You're right, no one cares about me!! I hate it HATE IT HATE IT!! I'm so unloved."

"That's not true!! I love you Lucy!!" Kevin said as he showed up out of nowhere.

"I love you too Kevy Wevy Kev!!" Lucy and Kevin started making out.

"Lucy Kinkirk…is a sex hungry slut."

Lucy stopped making out with Kevin, "No I'm not!! If anyone's a sex hungry slut, it's that bitch Roxanne!!"

"Give it up Lucy, everyone knows I'm prettier than you," Roxanne said as millions of guys were hitting on her.

"Roxanne, you're the one I love!!" Kevin said as he ran over by Roxanne and kissed her passionately.

"But I thought you loved me, Kevin!!"

"I do Luce, I'm just following the script. Apparently, Roxanne and I get hot scores on The WB message boards together, so we're going to have a one night stand."

"But what about Chandler, where the heck is he when all of this is happening!?"

"He and Martin are trying to bail Eric and Annie out of the Looney Bin with his dad's huge fortune," Roxanne replied.

"What about the rest of the cast?!"

"They went out for tacos," Kevin said.

And with that, Kevin and Roxanne went off. A few minutes later, Chandler and Martin came into the room pushing Eric and Annie, who were strapped in straitjackets and attached to metal table things with wheels on them.

"Let's get them to the recovery room and give them those anti-crazy pills that Dr. Crazyguy gave us," Martin said. Chandler nodded as they disappeared behind the stage.

Lucy just stood there, looking dumbfounded.

"Ok, this is too weird for me," Lucy said and passed out from shock.

Martin and Chandler came out onto the stage and picked her up. They carried her to the room that Annie and Eric were in.

"Jeez, the Camden family is almost crazier than my mom and dad," Chandler said. Martin nodded.

"But still not as crazy as my Aunt Betsy," Martin replied as they went backstage with Lucy.

The Voice laughed, "Now you know Lucy Camden. She's a crazy lunatic!!"


	6. Simon Camden

**Chapter 6: Simon Camden**

Simon Camden saw Chandler and Martin carrying his sister Lucy away towards the dressing room area of the backstage. He just stared at them.

"Where are you guys taking Luce?" He asked.

"To the recovery room. She's the third cast member who's been driven to sheer insanity by that evil Voice," Martin replied while trying to keep Lucy's round head balanced.

"Who were the other two?"

"Eric and Annie, poor them. Eric thinks he's a disco belly dancer and Annie feels powerless," Chandler replied and shook his head. Martin did the same.

"We'd better give her some anti-crazy pills before she wakes up," Martin told Chandler.

Chandler nodded, "Yeah, we don't need another disco belly dancer."

They disappeared with Lucy to the recovery room.

"Maybe it's time I had a talk with this Voice guy," Simon said.

You see, Simon was feeling EXTRA manly today. He had SHAVED. He stomped out onto the stage.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"You're not going to drive me crazy!! Chandler and Martin warned me all about you and what you did to my parents and Lucy!!"

"Damn them, they'll pay when it's their turn…"

"So, what's your deal?! Why are you bugging all of us?!"

"Because, uh…Simon Camden…he slept with half of the US population."

"Oh shut up!! It won't work on me!! I know all about your evil little game!!"

"Simon Camden, uh, uh…he loves pink fluffy things."

"No offense, Voice guy, but that sucked."

"Well, don't blame me!! I had no lunch!! The cast wouldn't give me any of their tacos!! Dr. Ted never gets any tacos!!" (**A/N:** You have to have seen the Billy & Mandy episode "Just The Two Of Pus" to get the "Dr. Ted" thing.)

"Will you please just shut up!?"

"NEVER!! Uh, um, oh…Simon Camden…he likes Usher!!"

"So, that's not even offensive!! I think Usher is cool, SUE ME!!"

"Well, hmm…"

"You can't insult me because I've been off of the show for so long there's nothing insulting you can make up about me!!"

The Voice then remembered that Simon always breaks down when someone mentions "The Accident". The Voice laughed evilly.

"Why are you laughing, you have nothing!!"

"Oh yeah, eat this!! Simon Camden…he ran over Paul Smith!!"

Simon did nothing in reply.

"But…but…you're supposed to cry like a little baby at the mention of that!? I don't get it!!

"Stupid, ever heard of therapy!? You should try it, it does wonders!!"

"Noooooooo!! Must…insult…you!!"

The Voice started crying from lack of insulting. Simon walked off of the stage.

"Now you know Simon Camden…for real," Simon said as he went to get some tacos in the cast lounge.


	7. Sam & David Camden

**Chapter 7: Sam & David Camden**

Sam and David Camden walked out of the cast lounge alone. But it didn't matter. It wasn't like anyone cared where they were going.

"Jesus loves me/This I know…" the annoying as hell twins sang.

They walked out onto the stage.

"Know your stars…oh, it's just you guys."

"Hello Mister! I'm Sam!"

"And I'm David!"

"I know that, you little nitwits!!"

"Our Mommy and Daddy are Eric…"

"…and Annie!!"

"Shut up!! I know!!"

"I have a cookie under my pillow…"

"…me too!! I ate soap once…"

"…me too!! And I like to wear two pairs of…"

"…underwear!! So do I!! And…"

"…Jesus loves me!! This I know…"

"…for the Bible tells me so!!"

"STOP IT!!"

"Hey, do you know who Chandler is…?"

"Yes!! He's a cast member that I'm annoying later!!"

"No, he's…"

"…the mean man that stole Daddy's job!! And…"

"…Lucy is a good preacher!! We love…"

"…our family!! And…"

"…Jesus loves me!! Yes, Jesus loves me!!"

"I'm out of here!!"

The Voice went back to his secret hideout. The twins left the stage and started playing with highly toxic waste. But oh well, it's not like anyone cared…

**Songs Used In This Chapter (In Order): **"Jesus Loves Me" by Anna B. Warner is not mine.


	8. Ruthie Camden

**Chapter 8: Ruthie Camden**

Ruthie Camden walked past her twin brothers as Sam chucked a clump of toxic waste at David. Half of David's head burned off, but once again, nobody seemed to notice.

"I'm so bored…when are we going to start filming the new season already?!" Ruthie complained.

Ruthie walked out onto the stage. The lights were still dimmed.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who's in here? Not like I care, though, just wondering."

"Ruthie Camden…is a monkeylover!!"

"Actually, I'm not."

"Ruthie Camden…she thinks that Jake is all that and a bag of chips!!"

"Uh, I broke up with Jake a long time ago. He was really annoying."

"Ruthie Camden…slept with Happy the dog!!"

"I resent that!!" Happy yelled from backstage.

"That's just stupid," Ruthie said dully.

The Voice grew annoyed. The whole time he had tried to annoy her with his stupid lies, her "I'm-bored-this-and-you-suck-and-I-just-don't-give-a-damn-or-care" attitude made her not, well, care that she was being insulted.

"Don't you even care that I'm insulting you!?"

"No, I actually don't give a damn. You're not even really insulting at all."

The Voice thought for a minute. If Ruthie were on his side, they could insult and control the world together!!

"Ruthie, JOIN ME!! Together we can insult and take over the world!! MWHAHAHA!!"

"Yeah, ok, why not??"

Ruthie started walking to The Voice's secret evil door backstage. The rest of the cast showed up.

"No Ruthie, don't go!!" They yelled.

But Ruthie went behind the door and it closed.

"Welcome, Ruthie…hey what are you doing?! Put your fist down!! No!!"

Ruthie walked out of the room. The cast stared at her.

"What did you do to him?" Kevin asked.

"I punched him."

They all then walked off except for Martin, who stayed behind.

"Hahaha, stupid evil Voice!! You got beat up by a girl!!"

The Voice grabbed Martin by the neck and shook him.

"Aaahh!! Let me go!!"

"Martin Brewer…he doesn't know when to shut up!!"


	9. Jenny Jackson

**Chapter 9: Jenny Jackson**

The ghost of Jenny Jackson, Annie's late mother, floated out onto the stage out of nowhere. How random can you get? The lights dimmed again.

"Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…"

"Who's in here? I know I'm the ghost, but that whole "know your stars" echo thing is really creeping me out."

"Jenny Jackson…is in love with The Box Ghost."

"I'm not in love with that nitwit!! He drives us all crazy over in the Ghost Zone!!"

Suddenly The Box Ghost from "Danny Phantom" appeared.

He floated over to Jenny, "I am The Box Ghost!!"

"We know!!" Jenny, The Voice, and the rest of the 7th Heaven cast shouted.

"Beware!!" The Box Ghost shouted and floated backstage to find someone to annoy with his box obsession.

"Anyway, Jenny Jackson…her favorite song is "Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg."

"Actually, my favorite song is "When I Fall In Love". I can't stand that noise these damn kids these days call rap music!!"

"Jenny Jackson…she died of mad cow disease!!"

"I did not!! Don't you ever watch TV!?"

"Jenny Jackson…has an afro!!"

"That's it!! I'm out of here, back to the Ghost Zone for me!!"

Jenny left the stage. The Box Ghost floated out from backstage. He was being chased by Roxanne, who had a box in her hand. She looked mad.

"Take that, you pain in the butt!!" Roxanne threw the box at him.

"Oh boxes, why have you betrayed me?!"

The Box Ghost flew away, feeling upset.

"And don't come back!!" Roxanne walked backstage again.

"Now you know Jenny Jackson…I think."

**A/N: **I don't own The Box Ghost, The Ghost Zone, or anything else from the TV show "Danny Phantom". I also don't own the song "Drop It Like It's Hot" by Snoop Dogg or the song "When I Fall In Love" by Doris Day.


	10. Charles Jackson

**Chapter 10: Charles Jackson**

Annie's dad Charles rushed out onto the stage when he thought he had heard the voice of his late wife, Jenny. But no one was there when he got out there.

"Oh Jenny!! Jenny!! I still love you, my wife, come back to me!" He started randomly crying.

"Oh, quit your damn sobbing…" The Voice said, annoyed.

"Who…who are you? Are you…a magic god?"

"No!! Moron…anyway, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars, know your stars."

"Oh no, you're chanting some kind of curse!! I'm doomed!!"

"Shut up!! I'm trying to annoy you!!"

"Why, oh great one?!"

"What the f…oh whatever!! Anyhow, Charles Jackson…he worships Barney the Dinosaur!!"

"If you say so…I will do it."

Just then, Barney came out of nowhere. Charles bowed down before him.

"Oh, Barney, God of Dinosaurs."

Barney danced around stupidly, "Remember kiddies, don't talk to strangers!! I love you all!!"

But a big problem came when The Voice realized that Barney gave him the creeps. The Voice then took out a shotgun and blew Barney's head off. A group of kids cheered.

"Oh great one, why did you kill Barney?!"

"I've hated that thing ever since I was a kid!! It gave me nightmares!!"

"If you say so, oh great leader."

"Aaahh!! Stop it! I'M NOT YOUR DAMN LEADER!!"

"If you say so …"

"I'm out of here!!"

The Voice, crying out of frustration, left the stage area. Charles just stood there. Then Barney's ghost showed up and dragged Charles offstage. Why, I don't wanna know.

**A/N: **Barney the Dinosaur, luckily, is not mine.


End file.
